I need me...
Felling lost is a feeling that is rarely enjoyed. My mind keeps going back and forth to places and don't want to explore. I just wanna focus and manage to stay focused but the will to fight disappears way too quickly. What? Why? When? and Where? are questions I am tired of having to ask myself. I just wanna get away and come back with noone else but me myself and I. I just wanna find me and keep me. Why should shit be so freaking hard?
My mood pretty much depends on the music I listen to nowadays and since I'm completely convinced that the shuffle function on my Spotify account is trying to kill me my mood is very similar to a schizofrenic persons mood.
I don't wanna die at the age of 99 knowing that I haven't even tried to make a difference in this world, big or small, but knowing that I can't make a difference at home gives my confidense and hope quite a beating. I'm bruising like a freaking peach nowadays and all I want is security and excitement. Have my parents forgotten to give some life changing lesson that would teach me that security and excitement never match? That I have to choose? Cuz right now it feels like those two things don't go hand in hand. It just feels like I'm fucking up my life more and more very time I decide to get out of my fucking bed!!!
I don't want anyone else and I dont need anyone else but myself but even I hate me! Can someone tell me HOW THE FUCK THAT IS FUCKING POSSIBLE?!?! FUUUUCK!!
I've had one too many status updates on my facebook page reading "understand why the cries smiles" but not a lot of people bother to look twice. Even the people who could have made a difference... On the other hand that could be me just asking too much...once again!
I believe that the crier smile because because of some sort of fear. The fear to actually discover who they really are and hate it. The fear that people might back off if they see the crier in you. Smiling when not necessary is an insecurity that is hard to pinpoint and own up to. Smiling when not necessary is also trying to help yourself from going under.
So can anyone tell me where I can find me?
I do have people who bring me up to the surface when I give up and sink benieth the surface of this endless ocean. People like my wife Ida and my mistress Camme (don't ask how all I know is that they love each other too :p). I will be forever greatful for these people. I really don't know how they can take it. Hanging round what I personally would classify as a psycho bitch (moi!). But they do it somehow. I must be doing something right!
Oh well, food for thought!
Love.
My mood pretty much depends on the music I listen to nowadays and since I'm completely convinced that the shuffle function on my Spotify account is trying to kill me my mood is very similar to a schizofrenic persons mood.
I don't wanna die at the age of 99 knowing that I haven't even tried to make a difference in this world, big or small, but knowing that I can't make a difference at home gives my confidense and hope quite a beating. I'm bruising like a freaking peach nowadays and all I want is security and excitement. Have my parents forgotten to give some life changing lesson that would teach me that security and excitement never match? That I have to choose? Cuz right now it feels like those two things don't go hand in hand. It just feels like I'm fucking up my life more and more very time I decide to get out of my fucking bed!!!
I don't want anyone else and I dont need anyone else but myself but even I hate me! Can someone tell me HOW THE FUCK THAT IS FUCKING POSSIBLE?!?! FUUUUCK!!
I've had one too many status updates on my facebook page reading "understand why the cries smiles" but not a lot of people bother to look twice. Even the people who could have made a difference... On the other hand that could be me just asking too much...once again!
I believe that the crier smile because because of some sort of fear. The fear to actually discover who they really are and hate it. The fear that people might back off if they see the crier in you. Smiling when not necessary is an insecurity that is hard to pinpoint and own up to. Smiling when not necessary is also trying to help yourself from going under.
So can anyone tell me where I can find me?
I do have people who bring me up to the surface when I give up and sink benieth the surface of this endless ocean. People like my wife Ida and my mistress Camme (don't ask how all I know is that they love each other too :p). I will be forever greatful for these people. I really don't know how they can take it. Hanging round what I personally would classify as a psycho bitch (moi!). But they do it somehow. I must be doing something right!
Oh well, food for thought!
Love.
