Lovechild

Wow...where am I to start? Well I left you after graduation.....we had a blast! :) After that things kinda took a wrong turn!

Friends were lost and riends were found. Summer came and summer left. Reality happend. I moved to this wonderful place called home and found...difference. Both for the better and the worse. I messed up a lot of things but managed in the nick of time to look myself in the mirror and call my self a complete and utter jack ass and it saved me believe it or not....it saved me from what could have been the worse mistake of my life.

I know what I have now and where I have it. I got confused by the tense smell of bull shit that lay in the air of my so called summer "good-life". But now I found the source of it and through it out.

I went to Greece this summer and visited a monastary ( you know where nuns live and stuff) and I prayed. I prayed like never before. I didn't pray for riches or health or anything of the usual...I prayed for feelings. I had stop feeling and I know the source of that issue now. I remebered that when I was a nervous reck I still felt things and I still considered myself human...but somewhere along the road I stopped. Somewhere I gave up...on everything....hope,love,happiness....life. I started to daoubt my happily ever after dream that I ALWAYS had growing up. I stopped and I looked around and all I saw was flaws. Flaws on myself, my friends, my family and my heroes. I saw them all so I decided to do what I thought was "grow up". But boy was I lost.

I learnt a lot about life and people, not everything of course, but alot. I see things differently now, at least a bit. I cut myself some slack seeing as slack doesn't come from a lot of other corners in this world. I started filtering out the useless words that came from people of no use in my life anymore. I still have a hard time filtering shit out when it comes to people that do matter but I can live with that because it makes me feel.

Yes I am a drama queen, yes I over do stuff a lot, yes I'm stubborn and YES the list goes on and on and on. But I see that now...no like for real.

At one time EVERYTHING crashed...and I mean everything!! So I started in one place that always was most important but somewhere got forgotten....I started with love. I faught, I begged and I admitted for real my faults for the very first time. A very smart woman once told me that you must make yourself so small in the eyes of others in order for you to become large and worthy in your own eyes. Those words changed stuff...they changed me. They made me understand how pride can stand of the way of things so much more meaningful and fantastic than pride. I felt indiference to everything before I understood what I was about to lose.

This summer I cried and I cried and I cried.... sure I laughed a lot too but boy did I cry! :p I cired trying to understand this piece of shit work of art called life. Sometimes I forced myself to just to make sure that I still could because call me lame but crying is important to me.

So I finally got of my ass that started growing bigger and bigger along with the rest of me and I applied for a job and got one...at this cozy little café called Barista in Nacka Forum. I really like it...the people there are great and its tough but worth it. It's fun and new which makes it wort it as well! :p

I met old friends this summer as well that I used to hang out with a lot and realized that time really does change people... but moments of this person came out a few times but of course this person would act like they never happend. It hurst but hey it's life and I'm over it...sooo over it! ;)

I thought a lot... I was alone a lot in Greece so I wondered of to think and it helped. Things are shping up for me with a lot of big parts to still go through but things are headng in the right direction.

Well I'm kinda running a blank here so I'll talk to you later! :)

Good night! Love! <3

P.S Dremas change...don't let that scare you...they just do sometimes! ;)